Saudade

 Now I understand what this feelings actually is.

My sadness when I thought of him is not because that I will never be with him but its actually the thoughts and feelings that I will never have someone like him. With all the traits and personalities that I always thought can never have in a person; the very traits and personalities that I love / want / attracted to. Hence explain why I have or really want to come peace with not having my someone, my own person in this world. But there are times when this heart proves that I am also merely a human. Someone with emotions and feelings.

I am actually glad that this time, it's not intense as before and I believe it's also because of that I can finally fully understand this feelings. Previously, I thought that it's the overflowing feelings that made my heart ache at every thought of this; on top of everything.

But seriously tho. Sighh can't deny that I AM jealous whenever I'm thinking of that someone else will end up with him. Such a fine, soft spoken, gentle, understanding, and attentive man. Sighh. Plus that he's damn handsome for sure. A face that you can never get tired looking at!! hahhhh

May Allah ease it for me. May this heart will be at peace even seeing someone who is everything that I want yet could not have exists.

-----------------

You are recovering, and that is good enough. Let's move forward slowly, yet surely. 

Two Different Worlds

I definitely simply recovering, not recovered. Earlier today, I experienced the uncontrollable anger once again and it always stem from the same reason or rather, person. There's something unsolved between me and umi. Therer's just some feelings that weren't resolved and trust me when I said that I tried. I've tried looking for the answers; what could possibly that I still have not let go. But I couldn't find it. 

So once it started, it will swirls to everything else. My other thoughts and feelings. This year once again, the man in my heart is the very person that beyond my reach. We lives in two different worlds; that could never collide no matter how much effort one put in. Not to say that I did not believe in Allah's power, NO. But one should know the limit. What not meant to be, will never be. As this thought and feelings reeled in, it bring about to the thought that I may not have someone in this world for me. Not in this life. I have long make peace with this but why sometimes it still hurt? My heart still ache at the thought of we are not meant for each other and while I wish well for him; to have his own little family but I'll always be there, my feelings are still the same. Thus I don't see myself to be with someone. My someone. 

I do not wish to be sad by this anymore. May I get better, til the day that my heart no longer ache even with the news of him found his person. May I also be happy, even by being alone. As I always do. As I used to be. However the thing is, I don't 100% think that I have feelings for him per se. Because compared to before, the feelings are not always there. So maybe I love the idea of him? Or maybe yes, I have feelings for him but rather than love, perhaps it's an interest. So I believe the base of this sad feelings are actually the thought that I can never get a man like him. Gentle, calm, handsome, attentive, soft spoken and every other traits that I love when I looked at him, watching him. It's too good to be true for me to be with someone like him and especially the man himself. When I start to feel that a situation or something is too good to be true for me, it means it will never happened. Not for me. Just when I thought I have hold on to it, it can still slip through my fingers.

Thus with that thought, it only makes sense to not see myself having my own magical wedding moments. I think I will never get to experience the giddiness before a wedding or the excitement of planning one. I'm sorry my family, but the wedding that all of you are secretly eager to witness may not happening. I have only fall in love once and after around 4 years, my feelings gone and now he already married (not that I wanted to marry him cause we are not suitable for each other anyway. Personality wise so thank god). Then the second man that I....have feelings for (not sure if I can call it as love or an illness haha) is someone that I can never have. Just as the current one, he also lives in different worlds and beyond my reach. The closest I can be with him is few miles away with thousands in between. hence since I have experienced this before, I definitely know my current feelings and affection better. 

Maybe Allah let me fall for these 'only able to looked at' men is to protect me, you know? Because of the length that I would go to when my feelings are firm, it's better if the man in question is beyond reach. I would have definitely utterly devastated if I ever be in realtionship and get brokenhearted. I may never heal from it so maybe, just maybe that could be the reason of me never able to be in relationship with the men I fall for or interested in.

Ya Allah, please make my heart content and happy with people around me, with my current life.

P/S: I have not experienced the uncontrollable anger for almost a year now. And recently, I do feel like I'm being patience and calm for too long. Lol. I'm not wishing for a relapse or anything. God, no. I love being calm. Especially now that I had a taste of it. I love seeing myself like that and be like that. O Allah, please help me in my healing journey. Living is hard, evenmore in this world where people never make it easy.

(Just now, I changed my blogspot url to serin7 from faa7. Never wish to someone able to find me here; although I have make it private-only visible/accessible to author-me)

"We are always trying with all our might but the weight of the world cannot always be upon our shoulders."

An Update

 I have forgotten about the existence of this blog. The thought came about since Abe mentioned in family whatsapp group regarding his entries on Haziq and Nawfal. Then I just remembered about my own blog.

Weird how I usually write and express myself in Bahasa Melayu. Nothing wrong tho. Only that now as I grow older, I express myself and my feelings better in English. And reading all my past entries; which are all during my high school years....I seem so positive. Heh. Not knowing what life has in store for me, not knowing how tough and heart crushing life can be. 

So intead of deleting this blog, I decided to make it private, for my own reading. To serve as a therapy or simply as a place for my rantings and to vent my emotions. There are times where I just can't tell anyone regarding my thought and feelings because being an adult, I understand that not everyone have the means and time for you at that very particular moment when you needed someone. So I hope this blog can be the replacement for that. In times where I really have no one but myself. Not because people around me doesn't care about me, no. They do and I know that. It's just as I said earlier, in certain times, you only have yourself to go through things and to take a step forward. 

To start, I have been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder in November 2022. I went to HUKM after I asked for a referral letter from IIUM Clinic ( if I remember it correctly). 

My condition worsen during my master years; to my surprise. I thought that once I had quit from working at that hella of a company, my mental burden can be slowly lifted up but that's not what happened. I began to hardly able to control my own emotions. There are (most) times when even the smallest things upset me or made me boil and it always end up with the feeling of a failure. How I am such a failure in life. I failed to have what I planned for even I worked really hard for it. I failed to have what I want, even when I have been such a good person and a good Muslim but things just never go my way even I have done everything that I could, at my fullest best. And all these feelings start spiraling eversince I graduated my degree.

So for those 3 years of working, I really am battling with myself everyday. The initial plan is to further master overseas after degree but that didn't work out. So I feel like I'm stuck at where I was at that time which were places of work that I never thought of doing and having. This goes on year after year until I finally decided to take a treatment because I am tired of living like that.

I am tired of feeling so sad everyday; for most of the time that even after having fun with my friends the whole day, I would cry myself to sleep at night. It not only happened when I was alone. Often times, I can be with a room full of people sleeping together yet I would still cry. My heart quenched at the thought of something that I love can never be mine, no matter how hard I put my effort into it.

But alhamdulillah, after more than a year of treatment (medicines - although these recent 6 months I've been skipping the meds most of the time), I am better. I am recovering and that is more than enough. I don't simply cry suddenly no matter where I am anymore, and I definitely don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Alhamdulillah. Healing is a long process thus may Allah make it ease for me.

Now, trying to get myself on track with the meds again. Doctor told me to at least take every 2 days since it's really hard for me to stand with the side effect, which is nausea urghh. It's different kind of nausea and I really REALLY am struggling with it. But for a better self and a better future, I need to fight this.

" 지금부터 fight for my life

  나를 위해 fight for my life "

P/S: I have changed the layout and design of the blog.

An appointment

Assalamualaikum..

setelah pemeriksaan dan segala hal yang berkaitan diselesaikan, saya terus bergerak balik rumah. dengan harapan, esoknya dapat operate gigi terus. terasa penat untuk tahan sakit ketika makan.

esoknya, saya dan umi ke hospital [lebih kepada klinik sebenarnya. cawangan dental mungkin?]
seriously cuak masa tunggu giliran. x suka nak kena rasa lagi sekali injection kat lelangit. jarum dia besar oke! ouch!
dan operation?! god...

setelah tiba giliran, dengan berdebar + cuaknya saya masuk ke bilik dentist. periksa sini dan situ, doktor suruh saya tunggu kat luar dulu.

kat tepi bilik, umi sedang menunggu. waktu tu saya serious takut sebab dari cara doktor tadi..
"nanti saya tengok boleh ke tak awak buat kat sini atau kena jumpa pakar."
#gulp

maka denga malunya terpaksalah saya mengaku yang saya nangis waktu uh. tapi taklah sampai berjela... cuma mengalir sekali dua.

"umi, kaksu takutlahh..."
"lahh..macam adik ni takut. macam mana nak bersalin nanti?"
#gulp "bersalin tu lama lagi..."
"haha. yelahh.. tapi nak cakapnya, hidup kita ni memang akan berdepan dengan kesakitan. sakit bersalin,sakit gigi,sakit kepala.. cuba matang sikit tahan sakit tu..etc,etc.."

maka sungguhlah saya belum matang =_='

walaupun saya lebih takut untuk operate dan bukannya sakit selepas itu, tapi kata2 umi memang tepat. zaapp!!

that makes me wonder, there are MORE people who are facing  seriously painful injury or things or whatever than me. and me? it's just a tooth! although it is two.

so from that moment on, i determined. this is the thing that i have to face. it is panful, but it will get better than before, aint?

ulang alik hospital dan kli nik, jumpa doktor, x-ray, segala bagai uhh...
x dapat buat operation lagi. sehari 1/2 orang je yang akan operate. maka buat appointment je dulu, bulan 1 masa cuti tu nanti baru operate.

hmm.. jujur kecewa sesangat sebenarnya. tapi saya pasti, ini yang terbaik.

last :'(

Assalamualaikum..

mengapa kita ditemukan
pada akhirnya kita dipisahkan

hmm. lumrah setiap pertemuan ada perpisahan.
that is life.

serious sedih daurah LKD dah takde lepas ni. bila lagi nak jumpa sahabat2 ni? ramai yang akan fly overseas. dalam masa terdekat ni pun ramai. sedih teramat!

honestly,
mula2 dapat tahu kena gi LKD hati memang rebel dahsyat punya.

1st meet up; mukhayyam.
memang rasa tak suka. jujur ni. tak tahu kenapa.

daurah 1st, hati dah lembut sikit. tapi sikit yang teramat sangat.

daurah 2nd + kembara dakwah.
can't deny. in love with it. n rasa sedih bila route balik dari sabah tak sama dengan orang lain!

daurah 3- last.
excited setiap kali nak kena gi LKD. undescribable.

sungguh sayang semua sahabat LKD ni!
rasa macam kalau boleh,nak satu U dengan derang,sekelas,sebilik. tapi mustahil!
that is life.

friends may come and go but they remains in your heart.

so,kena redha.
kalau bukan sahabat2 ni yang bertebaran untuk menyeru,siapa lagi?
jadi, diri ini pun kena bergerak seiring dengan yang lain.

that is soo life!

not for long !

Assalamualaikum.

semalam baru sampai JB dari jaulah akhawat LKD.
20-22 daurah then terus jaulah.

superb osem! buat jaulah sebab tak nak pisah dengan sahabat LKD gitu je lepas daurah but it turned out that makin lama dengan derang,makin susah nak pisah :'(

saya sebelum ni serious sedih bila fikir ramai yang apply overseas. rasa macam semua nak tinggalkan saya. yeah,i'll be here. malaysia. haha. tapi sekarang dah tak sangat since ramai jugak apply U yang sama. :D

memang tak patut fikir nak U yang ada kawan je tapi berapa ramai je yang betul-betul ada di hati ini? that is why it is quite hard to apart.

takpe. next daurah less than a month. lebih kurang 3 minggu je !

sungguh aku cinta sayang mereka. Ya Allah,moga Engkau redha.

Daurah 3. second last :'(

Jaulah osem :D

life lesson

Assalamualaikum.

since it late,i will make it short. eheh. but guess it doesn't work -_-'

Pagi tadi gi hutan bandar. sedang kami berempat duduk di pondok,datang seorang uncle. pakaian agak shabby. around 60s - 70s. chineese.

Dia kata yang dia dah 5 tahun datang situ. might every day. dia belajar nyanyi n nyanyi kat orang. tak kira bangsa apa. so, dia pun nyanyilah dalam 4 lagu. haha. mula2 memang sume gelak tapi manage it well supaya tak nampak macam insult atau perlekehkan. sebelum mula dia dah pesan tak nak sesape amik gambar or rakam dia. dia tak nak ada kat internet. setiap lagu,dia akan benti n cite kat kitorang macam2. nape lagu tu gitu,nyanyi the best keluar suara ikut perut,etc. he even taught us how to sing! haha. ok,layan je. tapi jangan risau. do re mi sa so la ti do je.

dah habis sume lagu burung kakak tua,i don't want to know dengan lagu cina..then dia cite yang dia x de agama tapi selalu baca buku2 agama or buku tentang Islam. tak ingat. tetibe dia tanya :

'awak sume islam,kan. muslim. haa.. saya mahu tanya. nape awak pakai tudung?'

'sebab tuhan suruh.'

'untuk lindungi.untuk jaga.'

*yeah..tak tahu the best answer nak bagi. so,mungkin jawapan yang mudah yang kami rasakan sesuai.

'haa...kamu tahu tak kenapa? masa dulu....zaman Muhammad..haa..kamu kenal aa.... zaman itu pasir aja....etc...etc....haa... lepastu ada laki2 jahat...mahu rape perempuan cantik saja. tak cantik tak mahu. haa.. sebab itulah dia kasi tutup. mahu jaga.'

err. ok. purdah atau niqab kah? huu.

then tanya lagi;

'atuk kamu kawen bape?' haa...kamu tahu kenapa orang islam boleh kahwin 4 orang? haaa...Muhammad ada banyak isteri,kan? kamu tahu?

later on dia explain nape...

1. dulu selalu berperang. so,suami dah takde. then Muhammad suruh yang kaya kawen dengan sorang...etc...etc...pastu...siapa yang mahu jaga mereka kalau tiada yang mahu kawen sama dia?

then tetibe dia cite sejarah monggol...kuat...takluk cina...etc.

tapi yang menarik..

Raja monggol waktu tu, (dia kata ya bila kami sebut Hulagu Khan. wallahu 'alam.) pergi berburu dengan orang2 dia. Derang bawak sekali helang yang dah ditrain untuk kesan makanan. bila helang dapat track,ia akan inform kat raja atau orang2 dia. so,derang dapat berburu dengan mudah. tapi binatang kecik macam arnab tu helang uh amik sendiri.

lama kelamaan raja tu haus. dia dan orang2nya pun gi sungai. lepas amik air,baru nak minum,helang tu jatuhkan air raja uhh (tak tahu cane). raja tu geram tapi takpe. gi lagi amik air kat sungai. baru nak minum,helang tu jatuhkan lagi. so,raja pun bernekad. sekali lagi helang tu jatuhkan,dia akan bunuh helang tu. panah. so,raja turun lagi sekali amik air. and again,helang tu jatuhkan. without second thought,raja tu panah. zap. mati.

tapi tetibe dia terfikir. nape helang tu beria-ia sangat jatuhkan air aku? dia pun suruh orang2 dia gi cek kenapa. orang2 dia pun bergerak ke punca sungai. tengok dan terus mencari. tapi still tak jumpa sebabnya. selepas 1KM mencari, jumpa. ada seekor ular besar yang telah lama mati kat sungai tu. sungai ni tak berapa besar,so ular tu melintang dari tebing sini ke tebing sana. yes. it's a poisonous snake. racun ular tu mengalir ke bawah. raja tu? kawasan dia amik air tu bawah lagi dari ular tu. now he knew what the reason for the eagle's act. menyesal tak sudah. menangis tak berlagu.

then,raja tu amik bangkai helang tu n buat macam monumen lah kot lebih kurang. sebagai penghargaan jasa helang tu. alkisahnya,sampai sekarang orang monggul akan bela helang based on kisah tu.

habis cite,uncle tu tanya apa yang kami dapat dari cite ni? tak sempat jawab dia terus sambung;

'jangan buat decision masa tengah marah. kasi cool dulu. kalau orang marah sama orang marah aa..tarak jadi. kena kasi sejuk dulu.'

cerita ni memang memberi kesan. betapa kadang2 apa yang kita fikir atau sangka tu boleh jadi 360 berbeza. dan betul, bile kita layankan jugak marah tu,benda akan jadi worse selalunya. ada quote,'every minute u get angry, u loose 60 seconds of happiness.'

dia pun cakaplah yang dia pun nak balik dah. n he said, ' i did not want to be happy all by myself. i want tobring happiness to other people.' eheh. bagus. sebelum uncle tu pergi,dia pesan supaya kami sentiasa hati-hati.

eheh. actually thanks a lot,uncle. u teach us many new things actually. senanye banyak kali jugak tengok2 jam masa dengar uncle tu. hehe. tapi cover2. rupa2rupanya dah sejam lebih kami mendengar! fuuhh.

kadang-kadang bila ada yang bertanya tentang fiqah,islam,aqidah,akhlak,etc..kita akan jawab dalam bentuk fakta. tapi uncle ni jawab dalam bentuk sebab dan musabab. bila seseorang tu tahu sebab dan musabab dia kena buat sesuatu,baru senang dia nak terima,faham,amalkan. tak gitu?

huu.

Wassalam.