I have forgotten about the existence of this blog. The thought came about since Abe mentioned in family whatsapp group regarding his entries on Haziq and Nawfal. Then I just remembered about my own blog.
Weird how I usually write and express myself in Bahasa Melayu. Nothing wrong tho. Only that now as I grow older, I express myself and my feelings better in English. And reading all my past entries; which are all during my high school years....I seem so positive. Heh. Not knowing what life has in store for me, not knowing how tough and heart crushing life can be.
So intead of deleting this blog, I decided to make it private, for my own reading. To serve as a therapy or simply as a place for my rantings and to vent my emotions. There are times where I just can't tell anyone regarding my thought and feelings because being an adult, I understand that not everyone have the means and time for you at that very particular moment when you needed someone. So I hope this blog can be the replacement for that. In times where I really have no one but myself. Not because people around me doesn't care about me, no. They do and I know that. It's just as I said earlier, in certain times, you only have yourself to go through things and to take a step forward.
To start, I have been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder in November 2022. I went to HUKM after I asked for a referral letter from IIUM Clinic ( if I remember it correctly).
My condition worsen during my master years; to my surprise. I thought that once I had quit from working at that hella of a company, my mental burden can be slowly lifted up but that's not what happened. I began to hardly able to control my own emotions. There are (most) times when even the smallest things upset me or made me boil and it always end up with the feeling of a failure. How I am such a failure in life. I failed to have what I planned for even I worked really hard for it. I failed to have what I want, even when I have been such a good person and a good Muslim but things just never go my way even I have done everything that I could, at my fullest best. And all these feelings start spiraling eversince I graduated my degree.
So for those 3 years of working, I really am battling with myself everyday. The initial plan is to further master overseas after degree but that didn't work out. So I feel like I'm stuck at where I was at that time which were places of work that I never thought of doing and having. This goes on year after year until I finally decided to take a treatment because I am tired of living like that.
I am tired of feeling so sad everyday; for most of the time that even after having fun with my friends the whole day, I would cry myself to sleep at night. It not only happened when I was alone. Often times, I can be with a room full of people sleeping together yet I would still cry. My heart quenched at the thought of something that I love can never be mine, no matter how hard I put my effort into it.
But alhamdulillah, after more than a year of treatment (medicines - although these recent 6 months I've been skipping the meds most of the time), I am better. I am recovering and that is more than enough. I don't simply cry suddenly no matter where I am anymore, and I definitely don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Alhamdulillah. Healing is a long process thus may Allah make it ease for me.
Now, trying to get myself on track with the meds again. Doctor told me to at least take every 2 days since it's really hard for me to stand with the side effect, which is nausea urghh. It's different kind of nausea and I really REALLY am struggling with it. But for a better self and a better future, I need to fight this.
" 지금부터 fight for my life
나를 위해 fight for my life "
P/S: I have changed the layout and design of the blog.
