Within these 2 weeks++, I am in a very tough situation and struggle even more. My thoughts also went to the darkest place ever. All these never happened before.
So after struggling for 2 weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. Feels like my thoughts went darker by days and getting more dangerous. The feeling of just want to 'go' stronger and this time I dont even care about other things anymore. Tho of course, the reason I take no action is because I'm a Muslim. I'm still and so afraid of what awaits at the other side if I proceed. Feeling like I can no longer take all these emotions and feelings alone, I texted a friend saying that changes doesn't sit well with me lately and I'm really struggling. Tho I feel or do want to talk to someone about it yet I feel like a burden.
She called later that night. After talking about other various things, then I naturally told about my struggles. Felt like she purposely let our conversation flows and just wait til I talk about it myself instead of asking about it. Thank you, really. This friend asked me to tell my family about this since none of them actually know any details.
After thinking for a bit, I sent a long text messages to 2 of my sisters the next day. Telling them my current struggles and how it started. Tho I did tell them how I feel about love and all, I couldn't tell them about what happened before or almost happens recently. The feelings towards someone impossible. Felt like they might not able to understand that and afterall, what I told them might be quite a lot to digest.
I did feel a biiit better after talking with that friend. Feel a bit lighter and my emotions and moods also feels a bit better. Although it may be around 10% better at that time but it definitely good enough. Before that, I keep on having low moods like seriously constantly, all day long. I dont feel like doing anything or eating for about 3/4 days. Coincidentally, I work from home 2 days right after the weekend. Had the worst meltdown ever like REALLY bad and migraine for about 2/3 days afterwards. Such a struggle.
This time, it's different kind of tiredness. Now I'm tired of facing all these and struggling alone. Sometimes I do wish I have someone to lean on but a part of me still hate the idea of needing someone to feel and do better. So it's very tormenting this time. Maybe I'm not built for love. Even when I feel like I wanted to, I have no one and definitely don't know what else I can and should do to face this, accepting myself and get back up again. Tired of this loop.
Compared to before, I always have something I planned for thus I keep on fighting to make it work. But now there's really nothing to fight for. I guess not telling anyone and keep on bottling everything inside wears me out and it shows now, proving that I no longer can withstand this alone. Everything works for the better now. I have job again, my team is good, manager is good, plus I just started working again for nearly 2 months and its totally normal to adapt within 3 months. I even already have an oversea trip planned for next month. So why? Why do I still feel this way? Even knowing that I have good people around me, why do I still always feel sad?? Hate that if this is due to not having someone by my side. That is not the only purpose of living!! There are more people who have tougher life and serious problems. Like Palestinians......I feel ashamed of feelings this way when I thought of them.
I guess what that friend told me is right. I unconsciously beating myself and not forgiving enough to myself. When I remembered or thought of that few seconds (or so I thought/remmeber as) hallucination, I really pity myself.... 나 진짜 불쌍해......어떻게......
Today's posting may be all over the place. The storyline, grammar, etc. That's how my mind right now. I do feel a bit better and calmer after telling them. Hopefully I do able to get better from now on. I diligently take my meds everyday now since the last visit.
God knows how desperately I want to truly living this life and be happy.
난 아직도 사랑받을 만해
