Saudade

 Now I understand what this feelings actually is.

My sadness when I thought of him is not because that I will never be with him but its actually the thoughts and feelings that I will never have someone like him. With all the traits and personalities that I always thought can never have in a person; the very traits and personalities that I love / want / attracted to. Hence explain why I have or really want to come peace with not having my someone, my own person in this world. But there are times when this heart proves that I am also merely a human. Someone with emotions and feelings.

I am actually glad that this time, it's not intense as before and I believe it's also because of that I can finally fully understand this feelings. Previously, I thought that it's the overflowing feelings that made my heart ache at every thought of this; on top of everything.

But seriously tho. Sighh can't deny that I AM jealous whenever I'm thinking of that someone else will end up with him. Such a fine, soft spoken, gentle, understanding, and attentive man. Sighh. Plus that he's damn handsome for sure. A face that you can never get tired looking at!! hahhhh

May Allah ease it for me. May this heart will be at peace even seeing someone who is everything that I want yet could not have exists.

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You are recovering, and that is good enough. Let's move forward slowly, yet surely. 

Two Different Worlds

I definitely simply recovering, not recovered. Earlier today, I experienced the uncontrollable anger once again and it always stem from the same reason or rather, person. There's something unsolved between me and umi. Therer's just some feelings that weren't resolved and trust me when I said that I tried. I've tried looking for the answers; what could possibly that I still have not let go. But I couldn't find it. 

So once it started, it will swirls to everything else. My other thoughts and feelings. This year once again, the man in my heart is the very person that beyond my reach. We lives in two different worlds; that could never collide no matter how much effort one put in. Not to say that I did not believe in Allah's power, NO. But one should know the limit. What not meant to be, will never be. As this thought and feelings reeled in, it bring about to the thought that I may not have someone in this world for me. Not in this life. I have long make peace with this but why sometimes it still hurt? My heart still ache at the thought of we are not meant for each other and while I wish well for him; to have his own little family but I'll always be there, my feelings are still the same. Thus I don't see myself to be with someone. My someone. 

I do not wish to be sad by this anymore. May I get better, til the day that my heart no longer ache even with the news of him found his person. May I also be happy, even by being alone. As I always do. As I used to be. However the thing is, I don't 100% think that I have feelings for him per se. Because compared to before, the feelings are not always there. So maybe I love the idea of him? Or maybe yes, I have feelings for him but rather than love, perhaps it's an interest. So I believe the base of this sad feelings are actually the thought that I can never get a man like him. Gentle, calm, handsome, attentive, soft spoken and every other traits that I love when I looked at him, watching him. It's too good to be true for me to be with someone like him and especially the man himself. When I start to feel that a situation or something is too good to be true for me, it means it will never happened. Not for me. Just when I thought I have hold on to it, it can still slip through my fingers.

Thus with that thought, it only makes sense to not see myself having my own magical wedding moments. I think I will never get to experience the giddiness before a wedding or the excitement of planning one. I'm sorry my family, but the wedding that all of you are secretly eager to witness may not happening. I have only fall in love once and after around 4 years, my feelings gone and now he already married (not that I wanted to marry him cause we are not suitable for each other anyway. Personality wise so thank god). Then the second man that I....have feelings for (not sure if I can call it as love or an illness haha) is someone that I can never have. Just as the current one, he also lives in different worlds and beyond my reach. The closest I can be with him is few miles away with thousands in between. hence since I have experienced this before, I definitely know my current feelings and affection better. 

Maybe Allah let me fall for these 'only able to looked at' men is to protect me, you know? Because of the length that I would go to when my feelings are firm, it's better if the man in question is beyond reach. I would have definitely utterly devastated if I ever be in realtionship and get brokenhearted. I may never heal from it so maybe, just maybe that could be the reason of me never able to be in relationship with the men I fall for or interested in.

Ya Allah, please make my heart content and happy with people around me, with my current life.

P/S: I have not experienced the uncontrollable anger for almost a year now. And recently, I do feel like I'm being patience and calm for too long. Lol. I'm not wishing for a relapse or anything. God, no. I love being calm. Especially now that I had a taste of it. I love seeing myself like that and be like that. O Allah, please help me in my healing journey. Living is hard, evenmore in this world where people never make it easy.

(Just now, I changed my blogspot url to serin7 from faa7. Never wish to someone able to find me here; although I have make it private-only visible/accessible to author-me)

"We are always trying with all our might but the weight of the world cannot always be upon our shoulders."

An Update

 I have forgotten about the existence of this blog. The thought came about since Abe mentioned in family whatsapp group regarding his entries on Haziq and Nawfal. Then I just remembered about my own blog.

Weird how I usually write and express myself in Bahasa Melayu. Nothing wrong tho. Only that now as I grow older, I express myself and my feelings better in English. And reading all my past entries; which are all during my high school years....I seem so positive. Heh. Not knowing what life has in store for me, not knowing how tough and heart crushing life can be. 

So intead of deleting this blog, I decided to make it private, for my own reading. To serve as a therapy or simply as a place for my rantings and to vent my emotions. There are times where I just can't tell anyone regarding my thought and feelings because being an adult, I understand that not everyone have the means and time for you at that very particular moment when you needed someone. So I hope this blog can be the replacement for that. In times where I really have no one but myself. Not because people around me doesn't care about me, no. They do and I know that. It's just as I said earlier, in certain times, you only have yourself to go through things and to take a step forward. 

To start, I have been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder in November 2022. I went to HUKM after I asked for a referral letter from IIUM Clinic ( if I remember it correctly). 

My condition worsen during my master years; to my surprise. I thought that once I had quit from working at that hella of a company, my mental burden can be slowly lifted up but that's not what happened. I began to hardly able to control my own emotions. There are (most) times when even the smallest things upset me or made me boil and it always end up with the feeling of a failure. How I am such a failure in life. I failed to have what I planned for even I worked really hard for it. I failed to have what I want, even when I have been such a good person and a good Muslim but things just never go my way even I have done everything that I could, at my fullest best. And all these feelings start spiraling eversince I graduated my degree.

So for those 3 years of working, I really am battling with myself everyday. The initial plan is to further master overseas after degree but that didn't work out. So I feel like I'm stuck at where I was at that time which were places of work that I never thought of doing and having. This goes on year after year until I finally decided to take a treatment because I am tired of living like that.

I am tired of feeling so sad everyday; for most of the time that even after having fun with my friends the whole day, I would cry myself to sleep at night. It not only happened when I was alone. Often times, I can be with a room full of people sleeping together yet I would still cry. My heart quenched at the thought of something that I love can never be mine, no matter how hard I put my effort into it.

But alhamdulillah, after more than a year of treatment (medicines - although these recent 6 months I've been skipping the meds most of the time), I am better. I am recovering and that is more than enough. I don't simply cry suddenly no matter where I am anymore, and I definitely don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Alhamdulillah. Healing is a long process thus may Allah make it ease for me.

Now, trying to get myself on track with the meds again. Doctor told me to at least take every 2 days since it's really hard for me to stand with the side effect, which is nausea urghh. It's different kind of nausea and I really REALLY am struggling with it. But for a better self and a better future, I need to fight this.

" 지금부터 fight for my life

  나를 위해 fight for my life "

P/S: I have changed the layout and design of the blog.