Last night, I dreamt of someone. He stays close to me, taking care of me while we are on our way to a place and at one point, we need to sort of climb big rocks to get over, and he was there, next to me, monitoring my movement in case he needs to jump in to help. But he didn't touch me nor trying to. He maintains the gap while also making it obvious that he is there and funny how in that dream, there is also a male idol whom I fancy. He sits next to me once we have arrived on the other side and sit on the sand, but I am more aware of the man who was with me earlier. I don't remember his face at all. What I can recall is that, he is taller than me and has the look.
Why did I start with this dream? Because it happens again. The faceless or the man in my dream that I can't recall the face at all. I would usually remember my dream, until after time passes by, pieces of it will be naturally gone but when it comes to this person, I really couldn't recall at all. He will remain as a silhouette despite everyone else in the dream is a clear image to me. But last night, I saw the most of him than any of my dreams before, although it has been only several times. It's just a dream, right.....just another 'mainan tidur', something that holds no meaning.
But the feeling does, regardless whatever reason it exists for. It has been several years that I feel as if there's 'someone', but I don't even know how to address this person or feeling. It's not straightforward 'the one', but there is this person. A silhouette, a shadow, a presence. And, yearning. I yearn for something I didn't know. Was it someone or not, I can't be sure either. It's a feeling I can't fully grasp, no matter how long it has been for me and the thing is, it's not always. It comes and go. Sometimes once in several months and when it came, it's usually only for a brief moment. It's not a constant feeling or state, until recently.
These recent one or two months (or maybe a bit longer), my yearning getting stronger. My desperation for a husband grows, and I am deeply ashamed of this feeling. I know it's very and super normal to have so but not for me. I have trained myself, mentally prepared not to get married when suddenly last year, the feeling truly suddenly seeped through in me. When it did, I felt broken and lost. I have been preparing myself to live this life alone and yet, all of a sudden, I want to share this remaining life with someone...?? It makes no sense to me to the point that I am really struggle when the feeling first came. I had one of the worst breakdowns, for a whole week and I had migraine for 3 days straight. My depression got so worse that this is the first time I'm truly considering, thinking and planning 1001 ways, the best way to unalive myself. Then early this year everything happened, the all-hell-break-loose kind of situation and after a year since then, I truly, sincerely and desperately so need and want a husband by my side. Not just any man, not a boyfriend but a husband. Someone who will be with me for the rest of our lives and I still want to be with him in His jannah.
I am tired of going through this life alone. I no longer have the strength to do so, like seriously. Last year in May, I was warded in the hospital due to intestine infection. I went to office as usual that morning but my condition only getting worse and during lunch, I definitely noticed that my body can no longer hang in there so I went back home. I threw up several times once I got home and hence I decided to go to the hospital and get warded. So I booked a Grab and went to KPJ Kajang. Once we've arrived, the driver even said to me to take care of myself, maybe because I was alone. I didn't think much of it at that time. I couldn't ask anyone to bring me to the hospital anyway, since it's still within office hour and I can't wait because my condition already worsen as the clock ticking but my family, when they knew, they didn't say it directly, but I can sense in their tone that they kind of wish that I didn't go to a hospital to get warded alone, but what can I do? I have no one else but myself. But now, as I remember this as I'm typing, it saddens me. How I wish the same. I wish that someone can hold me, be my anchor during my storms of life but oftentimes, I only have myself.
Then few weeks ago, I read somewhere that says, "it is possible to yearn for someone you didn't know exists" and of course, as someone who has been feeling this every now and then, it was like finally I have an answer to this. And since now, I have fully accepted the feeling and my 'conscious' getting better, I start to make effort for it. Perhaps the time has come for me. So I start to prepare myself for marriage, in whatever ways that I can.
After I have been getting calmer by day for several months (therapy and medication again), however, this week, my emotions and feelings are haywire. I feel broken, lost, even when I don't fully understand it fully either. Nothing happened, so why do I feel all these? Or is it because nothing actually happened that it makes me so sad, my heart shattered to pieces...? Because nothing still happening to me, despite everything that I went through? Despite giving my best in healing, getting better, working harder, were it all not enough...? I know, I know that this is progress, so the result is not always immediate. But I'm also afraid. Afraid that if I keep on continue putting effort in this that at the end, it is not meant for me.
As this feeling grew stronger by day since few months ago, I'm subconsciously fighting myself that despite my trauma of men, Allah still put in my heart the need and want for a husband. So surely, this is not a coincidence. Surely, He wants to give it to me, but I just need to be patient and keep going on. But as days passes by, my fragile heart only getting weaker, my flame of hope extinguished. I don't want to yearn for something that is not meant for me Ya Allah.....
So now, few times in a day, I am somewhere in between pushing myself to take one step after another, to continue walking and to just let it be, to stop hoping and preparing and to just having my old mindset which is, not everyone have the rizq of a partner, of being married in this life and that is okay too. But then, the feeling would turn me into a mess again. It only grows stronger by day that I am crushed as I do not know what else I should do towards this and how can I manage this feeling.
I do not wish for a great love story. I simply sincerely and humbly wish that the wait will be over this year. I'm tired....
