I definitely simply recovering, not recovered. Earlier today, I experienced the uncontrollable anger once again and it always stem from the same reason or rather, person. There's something unsolved between me and umi. Therer's just some feelings that weren't resolved and trust me when I said that I tried. I've tried looking for the answers; what could possibly that I still have not let go. But I couldn't find it.
So once it started, it will swirls to everything else. My other thoughts and feelings. This year once again, the man in my heart is the very person that beyond my reach. We lives in two different worlds; that could never collide no matter how much effort one put in. Not to say that I did not believe in Allah's power, NO. But one should know the limit. What not meant to be, will never be. As this thought and feelings reeled in, it bring about to the thought that I may not have someone in this world for me. Not in this life. I have long make peace with this but why sometimes it still hurt? My heart still ache at the thought of we are not meant for each other and while I wish well for him; to have his own little family but I'll always be there, my feelings are still the same. Thus I don't see myself to be with someone. My someone.
I do not wish to be sad by this anymore. May I get better, til the day that my heart no longer ache even with the news of him found his person. May I also be happy, even by being alone. As I always do. As I used to be. However the thing is, I don't 100% think that I have feelings for him per se. Because compared to before, the feelings are not always there. So maybe I love the idea of him? Or maybe yes, I have feelings for him but rather than love, perhaps it's an interest. So I believe the base of this sad feelings are actually the thought that I can never get a man like him. Gentle, calm, handsome, attentive, soft spoken and every other traits that I love when I looked at him, watching him. It's too good to be true for me to be with someone like him and especially the man himself. When I start to feel that a situation or something is too good to be true for me, it means it will never happened. Not for me. Just when I thought I have hold on to it, it can still slip through my fingers.
Thus with that thought, it only makes sense to not see myself having my own magical wedding moments. I think I will never get to experience the giddiness before a wedding or the excitement of planning one. I'm sorry my family, but the wedding that all of you are secretly eager to witness may not happening. I have only fall in love once and after around 4 years, my feelings gone and now he already married (not that I wanted to marry him cause we are not suitable for each other anyway. Personality wise so thank god). Then the second man that I....have feelings for (not sure if I can call it as love or an illness haha) is someone that I can never have. Just as the current one, he also lives in different worlds and beyond my reach. The closest I can be with him is few miles away with thousands in between. hence since I have experienced this before, I definitely know my current feelings and affection better.
Maybe Allah let me fall for these 'only able to looked at' men is to protect me, you know? Because of the length that I would go to when my feelings are firm, it's better if the man in question is beyond reach. I would have definitely utterly devastated if I ever be in realtionship and get brokenhearted. I may never heal from it so maybe, just maybe that could be the reason of me never able to be in relationship with the men I fall for or interested in.
Ya Allah, please make my heart content and happy with people around me, with my current life.
P/S: I have not experienced the uncontrollable anger for almost a year now. And recently, I do feel like I'm being patience and calm for too long. Lol. I'm not wishing for a relapse or anything. God, no. I love being calm. Especially now that I had a taste of it. I love seeing myself like that and be like that. O Allah, please help me in my healing journey. Living is hard, evenmore in this world where people never make it easy.
(Just now, I changed my blogspot url to serin7 from faa7. Never wish to someone able to find me here; although I have make it private-only visible/accessible to author-me)
"We are always trying with all our might but the weight of the world cannot always be upon our shoulders."
