Long; Hope

 Last night, I dreamt of someone. He stays close to me, taking care of me while we are on our way to a place and at one point, we need to sort of climb big rocks to get over, and he was there, next to me, monitoring my movement in case he needs to jump in to help. But he didn't touch me nor trying to. He maintains the gap while also making it obvious that he is there and funny how in that dream, there is also a male idol whom I fancy. He sits next to me once we have arrived on the other side and sit on the sand, but I am more aware of the man who was with me earlier. I don't remember his face at all. What I can recall is that, he is taller than me and has the look. 

Why did I start with this dream? Because it happens again. The faceless or the man in my dream that I can't recall the face at all. I would usually remember my dream, until after time passes by, pieces of it will be naturally gone but when it comes to this person, I really couldn't recall at all. He will remain as a silhouette despite everyone else in the dream is a clear image to me. But last night, I saw the most of him than any of my dreams before, although it has been only several times. It's just a dream, right.....just another 'mainan tidur', something that holds no meaning.

But the feeling does, regardless whatever reason it exists for. It has been several years that I feel as if there's 'someone', but I don't even know how to address this person or feeling. It's not straightforward 'the one', but there is this person. A silhouette, a shadow, a presence. And, yearning. I yearn for something I didn't know. Was it someone or not, I can't be sure either. It's a feeling I can't fully grasp, no matter how long it has been for me and the thing is, it's not always. It comes and go. Sometimes once in several months and when it came, it's usually only for a brief moment. It's not a constant feeling or state, until recently.

These recent one or two months (or maybe a bit longer), my yearning getting stronger. My desperation for a husband grows, and I am deeply ashamed of this feeling. I know it's very and super normal to have so but not for me. I have trained myself, mentally prepared not to get married when suddenly last year, the feeling truly suddenly seeped through in me. When it did, I felt broken and lost. I have been preparing myself to live this life alone and yet, all of a sudden, I want to share this remaining life with someone...?? It makes no sense to me to the point that I am really struggle when the feeling first came. I had one of the worst breakdowns, for a whole week and I had migraine for 3 days straight. My depression got so worse that this is the first time I'm truly considering, thinking and planning 1001 ways, the best way to unalive myself. Then early this year everything happened, the all-hell-break-loose kind of situation and after a year since then, I truly, sincerely and desperately so need and want a husband by my side. Not just any man, not a boyfriend but a husband. Someone who will be with me for the rest of our lives and I still want to be with him in His jannah.

I am tired of going through this life alone. I no longer have the strength to do so, like seriously. Last year in May, I was warded in the hospital due to intestine infection. I went to office as usual that morning but my condition only getting worse and during lunch, I definitely noticed that my body can no longer hang in there so I went back home. I threw up several times once I got home and hence I decided to go to the hospital and get warded. So I booked a Grab and went to KPJ Kajang. Once we've arrived, the driver even said to me to take care of myself, maybe because I was alone. I didn't think much of it at that time. I couldn't ask anyone to bring me to the hospital anyway, since it's still within office hour and I can't wait because my condition already worsen as the clock ticking but my family, when they knew, they didn't say it directly, but I can sense in their tone that they kind of wish that I didn't go to a hospital to get warded alone, but what can I do? I have no one else but myself. But now, as I remember this as I'm typing, it saddens me. How I wish the same. I wish that someone can hold me, be my anchor during my storms of life but oftentimes, I only have myself.

Then few weeks ago, I read somewhere that says, "it is possible to yearn for someone you didn't know exists" and of course, as someone who has been feeling this every now and then, it was like finally I have an answer to this. And since now, I have fully accepted the feeling and my 'conscious' getting better, I start to make effort for it. Perhaps the time has come for me. So I start to prepare myself for marriage, in whatever ways that I can.

After I have been getting calmer by day for several months (therapy and medication again), however, this week, my emotions and feelings are haywire. I feel broken, lost, even when I don't fully understand it fully either. Nothing happened, so why do I feel all these? Or is it because nothing actually happened that it makes me so sad, my heart shattered to pieces...? Because nothing still happening to me, despite everything that I went through? Despite giving my best in healing, getting better, working harder, were it all not enough...? I know, I know that this is progress, so the result is not always immediate. But I'm also afraid. Afraid that if I keep on continue putting effort in this that at the end, it is not meant for me. 

As this feeling grew stronger by day since few months ago, I'm subconsciously fighting myself that despite my trauma of men, Allah still put in my heart the need and want for a husband. So surely, this is not a coincidence. Surely, He wants to give it to me, but I just need to be patient and keep going on. But as days passes by, my fragile heart only getting weaker, my flame of hope extinguished. I don't want to yearn for something that is not meant for me Ya Allah.....

So now, few times in a day, I am somewhere in between pushing myself to take one step after another, to continue walking and to just let it be, to stop hoping and preparing and to just having my old mindset which is, not everyone have the rizq of a partner, of being married in this life and that is okay too. But then, the feeling would turn me into a mess again. It only grows stronger by day that I am crushed as I do not know what else I should do towards this and how can I manage this feeling. 

I do not wish for a great love story. I simply sincerely and humbly wish that the wait will be over this year. I'm tired....

https://www.tiktok.com/@jordanbelfortofficial/photo/7645511561473264903?_r=1&_t=ZS-997aXEmdk4O 

p/s: It's not like I truly believe that there's some meaning about the dreams, that the silhouette might be the one destined for me, no. Perhaps it's simply manifestation of my inner desires or feelings.

2025; Truths Untold

 A damn tiring year. A recap.

January.

Nothing much, I guess. I don't even remember what happened for my birthday except for one thing. My only younger sister in law (for now) ordered a cake and pastry for me and delievred right to my house in Cheras. Touched by the gesture and warm wishes and dua from her.

February.

Shib** came in. Didn't know she would make my working days so miserable and suffers at that time but one thing for sure, I shouldn't be close with her. Talking about others when you just get to know a person...? Major red flag and I'm pissed off why other people can't see that. 

March.

Ramadhan. Tough challenges for the year started here. Scheduled wisdom tooth extraction operation before Ramadhan started but the doctor had to go for a seminar / workshop last minute thus I have no choice but to reschedule to a later date and it was during Ramadhan. Borrowed Myvi during the weekend so I went to via MRT that morning for my operation. Super anxious and nervous to the point I started fidgeting. When the operation about to start, I told the doctor's assistant that I'm traumatised. Then when the doctor about to start, she reminds the doctor again about it and the doctor had the audacity to say, "Trauma apa...root canal? Eh, tak sakit lah..." Like EXCUSE ME??!! Were you actually me at that time I went for the root canal session??!! But I was too anxious to even think of anything else at that time. I can only focus on myself, to calm down and not get too tense. Long story short, right after the opearion ended the assistant asked me whether I'm okay to stand and if not,I can still sit there first. So I told her that I think I'm okay and wanted to try to stand up and boiii right there and then, I was sat immediately. My legs went jelly, I have no strength at all. I looked at my hand and was so shocked that I barely recognise my skin tone. I was WHITE white. Too pale. After some time, I push myself to walk out of the room but I can only do so by walking real slow. As if I had a leg operation. Throughout the journey back to MRT, I can only walk real slow. Got into MRT and I start thinking of how can I drive when my legs are all wobbly like this? Changed to another lane to go back home and I continued my worries but all of the sudden, I fall asleep. As if I've been turned off at that moment cause I literally woke up right when the next stop is my house. From then on I sort of have gained strength to drive 30mins to Nilai and once I stepped into my room, my whole body just went mushed. Called umi about food, messaged with Kak Lang and Kak Cik, cry for a bit (lol. but it's because my brain finally let go with the 'fight or flight' situation to protect me) then went for a sleep. I suddenly fall asleep in the MRT is most likely because being told by my nervous system. However, I do feel that Allah helps me on this. Alhamdulillah.

Woke up with a very subtle pain and I think it's weird. In the evening, had the first bite after operation and damn, I spoke too soon. The pain is throbbing! Ate ice cream to soothe it down a bit but it consider as good cause I can still finished up my bubur Marrybrown lol. The pain still bearable although it hurts. Considering this, I wanted to try fasting the next day. The whole day felt just fine, no pain or whatsnot, until....in the evening. With only 2/3 hours left before azan Maghrib, ther pain was throbbing. So so painful but I refused to break my fast. Once azan, I ate the ice cream immediately. Then the next day, I decided not to fast because of this. But to my surprise and confusion, the pain is so docile that I felt cheated. Tch. The next day, most siblings came back since it's the weekend so I fasting for the day. All went fine. 2 hourse before azan Maghrib, the throbbing pain came again. It was so painful and uncomfortable that I had to wear my tudung very shabbily. 

Adding up the days I didn't fast becaus eof the tooth operation and my period, I have to qada my fast for 18 days.......I didn't fast for thalf of the month.....I tried to liven up the spirit of Ramadhan by went to mosque and all but I didn't dare to go nearby mosques alone and what's more those that I had to go by public trainsport....so I only able went to TNB & Masjid Negara mosques, both with Anisa hehe.

Hope that next Ramadhan I can at least pray more at the mosque.

April.

Raya. It's our side this year and like always, it was mainly all fun and good when everiyone is gathered. Few days after everyone went back to their own life again, one after another got sick. Some got MC for days, several got hospitalised. Me myself, requested to WFH on Monday and had to went to the clinic for an IV drip because my body ache badly. Doctor gave 2 pints of IV and 4 cute and colourful meds. Had MC for 2/3 days I think so I went back to Nilai cause I need my parents to help nursing me back to health :( If it were up to me, I might not eating properly at Cheras. Since 2/3 of the relatives that warded being confirmed that It's Rotavirus, so we got to know what ailed us. Damn strong this virus huh. 

17 Apr, the triggered to my sufferings in 2025. Permanent VS Contract issue.

May.

Went to a colleague's wedding in Johor and had a blast going to places and eating good foods with Dijah in Muar. On the morning that I have to go back to KL by bus, I vomitted twice and sort of dirrhea 1/2 times. Weird casuse I don;t east anything bad or spoilt and Dijah seems fine. She suggested to just take it easy first and take the evening bus instead. But looking at how it goes, I can only feel rest assured once I'm in my own room again so I proceeded with my plan. Right before taking the bus, I vomitted once again although nothing cam eout cause it all emptied by previous sessions. Body start to ache and felt really weak. In the bus, I covered my face with sweater's hoodie and just slept or shut my eyes throughout the journey. What a hell journey, I don't even remmeber how I got home from TBS. Most likely by Grab cause I don't think I have the strength to change train and all. Later that night I vomitted once or twice more before finally it's time to sleep. 

The next day on Tuesday 13th May, I went to office. Still not fully okay but I'm not sure whether I'm sick enough to went for MC either cause I didn;t vomit that morning (or maybe I did...? couldn't remember). Plus, I already got what seems like a week MC the previous month. My condition doesn't get any better. Went to Samtai for lunvh and I can only eat for 3 spoons. Body started to act weirdly and I requested from my boss to continue working at home cause I don't feel too well. As soon as I arrived home, I had to rush to the toilet to vomit. Body went jelly again and aching all over. Confused for a moment how should I proceed with it this time cause it's not as painful as when I got the Rotavirus. That was way tougher, my body even weaker that time. But at the same time, I don't have it in me anymore to go through another hell of a sickness. I'm so tired and just wish to rest. Messaged Muna and called Kak Lang whether I need to go to the hospital or not and both said yes (I know, ofc I should, right?). Came in by myself with Grab that even the driver simewhat took pity on me and advised, "Jaga diri ah...". Went straight to the emergency to register, got red wrist during their triage. Waited for quite some time to get warded because of the process and checkings, etc and finally went into the room when italmost 8pm. Got there around 3.50pm. Went to KPJ Kajang cause based on the panel hospitals list, this is the nearest. 

Boiii warded experience really is an eye opener. Mind completely zero with thoughts cause everything is being taken care of! Warded for 4 days and 4 nights. The first 2 days ofc I had only little sleep cause the nurses came almist every few hours to get blood samples, blood pressure, my doctor did her walk, and whatever else going around for the hospital. Love how I really had to stare at the wall cause there's nothing else to do except sleeping and watching TV. Loved it! Umi Abah picked me up on Friday and vroom, off we went to Nilai.

At this time, I'm really at my limit of getting sick every month. And it's not your normal kind of sickness but very harsh, painful and all. I got warded becvause of intestine infection. Doctor suspect it cam efrom Kerang bakar that I ate in Muar.....the restaurant is good tho..... 

June.

Mentally start to feel overwhelmed with my manager. Start to feel that he would make it into a 'you' problems to me and that he is subconsciously compared me to other people and it's so so tiring and frustrating cause ofc he doesn't realised it. Ofc I'm the one who can see and understand ita llyet I'm also the very person that bear the pain. Shib** make extra bitchy moves that triggered ALL my bad working experiences or when I dealt with the bitc** in Turkey. Super struggling with my feelings and thoughts. Felt like I shouldn't hate her caus eit willmake things hard since we're a team. Yet, she's the one that make it hard for me?? All feelings spiraled yet no answer. It weighs more and more for each passing days and I feel like loosing control. She freaked out when my boss told us that we need to change seatings becaus ethere will be 3 new hires in July. And she went all gedik and super mengada tashpa nak pijak and COUNTLESSLY said to everyone in every damn occasions aor the conversation about seatings brought up EVEN when she is not the conversation and she only heard that part, "I only want to sit next to A", "Don't separate me with A", "I don't mind seat anywhere as long as A is beside me...." THIS BITCH SHE ALREADY HAD IT EASY SINCE DAY ONE THAT THIS A WENT THROUGH EVERYTHING WITH HER STEP BY STEP AND ALL SHE COULD AT LEAST NOT TO BE SO MENGADA AND WHINY??!! There's A LOT more incidents that super pissing me off. Not to forget, her voice is high pitched and it'll get higher when she speaks with A or about A. shibal. This behaviour of hers triggered my experience when my previous head dept obviously have favouritism within the team. 

July.

Had my first ever outstation, to SG. Got me wonder how do people went for outstayion so frequently? ㅠ,ㅠ 3 new joiners came in and I'm the one who need to go through system access with them and suddenly I became the PIC of this from then on. At this point, I start to feel and see the reason and way if their judgement on deciding who gets the permanenet position is unfair. Why you didn't assign this to the person you converted?? She only managing one country afterall while me, I'm the backup to several other things and countries already.

Still struggling with my feelings and annoyance towards shib*** and A. There's a period of time that I start to feel okay but most, I don't. Maybe around this time I start to accept that I'll just hating on her if I do feel that way it lifts a small weight from my chest. Manager situation wise, worst. More issues came in and I don't know how else to go through things with him. I tried several other approaches in explaining things with him but when he couldn't understand it would be as if I'm the one who is bad at explaining or couldn't understand the issue or what he wants... (???). Start to feel really weighed down, demotivated and more overwhelmed by this. Plus I also had to face the cheap drama form shib*** and A??!! Why me, ya Allah....

August.

Busy with work some more....never ending bis issues that need to cater and solved. At this time, I start to feel all of these are emaningless. I solved the issue and problems that were not even mine to begin with, for the benefit of the company, but what do Iget in return?? Stress and 

September. 

Offsite to Beijing. SUPER DUPER mentally and physically tired and tired of mingling for the first time. This trip proved that I really am can't and shouldn;t 'vibe' with A. We shared the same room. 

For the first time in my life, I am socially drained. Those who truly would have shocked at this fact, even I myself were shocked. All the conversations are going nowhere, merely super ficial, just a bunch of people glising through this corporate sht working life. None of this matter at the end. Why would need to be bothered whether a person can mingle with other person or not? It's sufficient with doing a good job and at least have a decent social skill. I know I have nore than decent social skills, but even to me, these interactions are pointless. 

October. 

More issues to settle, drowning in even more critical problems that have arose. I wish I can just get monthly salary without doing all of these work. 

Had my psych appointment and the counsellor said that I am getting better, he said that I look calmer now with the b***h and A issues. In several previous sessions, the counsellor actually told me that how I react to their attitude is actually a trauma response....it took me few days to let that sinked in. Because from what I know is that I always fight for myself yet, throughout those times working in toxic environment and toxic bosses have actually scarred me, and that I am traumatised...? I did feel sympathy for myself because after everything that I did for myself, I am still hurt and it actually only getting worse.

November. 

Finally, able to breathe a bit. I have handover my regional tasks. But this is the start of a downfall, where all hell break lose and I obviously don't know what will happen at this time. To cope with an even busier year, I have mentaly strategised my plan for my mental wellbeing. 

1. Go for massage once a month

2. Go for sauna or steaming room at my apartment to losen the tight muscle and to relax/unwind.

3. Unwind before sleep, by doing things without any screen (3D stickers, etc).

But sadly, none of these matter when 'that' happened. Things just happened so quickly that all plans and careful thoughts went down the drain. 

December.

Personal trip with friends to Vietnam (Hanoi, Sapa Halong Bay) and family trip to Sg Hj Dorani. Vecause of these trips and public holidays, decided to wfh for the last 3 weeks of December. Glad that I made this decision although it may backfired me.

After everything that happened this year, I am just tired. So so tired and afraid to go through 2026. I wish I don't have to work anymore. I was born to simply hihi haha huhu, not to work...