To You

 Even without you saying anything, I know.

My heart truly breaks for you, and these tears; I cry them not for myself but because I see you in pain. I wish nothing in this world would ever hurt you, especially not during a time that was meant to be joyful. None of us ever imagined things would turn out this way.

If I could, I would give you the whole world just to make things a little lighter for you. But since I can’t, please let me give you even a small part of it, whatever I can offer. It might not be much, but it comes from my whole heart.

I know you’re aware, deep down, that all of this is a test. And I believe you had your reasons that only you fully understand for saying 'yes' to him in the first place. That doesn’t make your pain any less real, and I would never belittle what you’re feeling. Only you know what it’s truly like to carry this.

What I am trying to say is that, we know Allah is the one who hold our heart, and he is also the one who makes it move; beating and allowing us to feel things. While He leads us to this, He will also leads us through this. I know it’s tiring and painful right now, but I still believe, truly believe that you’ll find happiness again someday. You deserve all the good this life has to offer! I’ll always waiting, praying, and hoping that this season will pass soon. Real soon.

This is cliche but nothing ever lasts forever. Just like how the seasons change, this too, shall pass. And just as we endure the cold of winter believing that spring will come, I believe your spring will come too. The season filled with beauty, warmth, and the scent of blooming flowers. It may not feel close now, but it’s on its way, slowly but surely.

Even if things are not the same anymore, please remember that I am. You don’t have to let go of me, because I never left. Nothing between us has changed and it never will. You are and will always be my precious friend.

So, like how you would do anything for me, I feel the same for you. And even if you're struggling in silence, carrying feelings that are too heavy and when no words seem enough to explain, know that I see you. I may not have the right words, but I’m here. Holding space for you, in all the ways that I can.

So if there’s anything, anything at all that I can do to help, just tell me. No matter what it is, no matter when or where. Let me be there for you, the way a friend should.

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I dedicate these two songs for you. While my words may not properly delivered, I hope the the lyrics can carry the missing part of what I’m trying to say. Please listen to the songs with their lyrics.

[Spotify] To You - Seventeen | To You lyrics

[Spotify] Raindrops - Seungkwan solo | Raindrops lyrics

I pray that Allah grant your prayer, so that we can live side by side for eternity.

Darkest Thoughts

Within these 2 weeks++, I am in a very tough situation and struggle even more. My thoughts also went to the darkest place ever. All these never happened before. 

So after struggling for 2 weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. Feels like my thoughts went darker by days and getting more dangerous. The feeling of just want to 'go' stronger and this time I dont even care about other things anymore. Tho of course, the reason I take no action is because I'm a Muslim. I'm still and so afraid of what awaits at the other side if I proceed. Feeling like I can no longer take all these emotions and feelings alone, I texted a friend saying that changes doesn't sit well with me lately and I'm really struggling. Tho I feel or do want to talk to someone about it yet I feel like a burden. 

She called later that night. After talking about other various things, then I naturally told about my struggles. Felt like she purposely let our conversation flows and just wait til I talk about it myself instead of asking about it. Thank you, really. This friend asked me to tell my family about this since none of them actually know any details. 

After thinking for a bit, I sent a long text messages to 2 of my sisters the next day. Telling them my current struggles and how it started. Tho I did tell them how I feel about love and all, I couldn't tell them about what happened before or almost happens recently. The feelings towards someone impossible. Felt like they might not able to understand that and afterall, what I told them might be quite a lot to digest.

I did feel a biiit better after talking with that friend. Feel a bit lighter and my emotions and moods also feels a bit better. Although it may be around 10% better at that time but it definitely good enough. Before that, I keep on having low moods like seriously constantly, all day long. I dont feel like doing anything or eating for about 3/4 days. Coincidentally, I work from home 2 days right after the weekend. Had the worst meltdown ever like REALLY bad and migraine for about 2/3 days afterwards. Such a struggle.

This time, it's different kind of tiredness. Now I'm tired of facing all these and struggling alone. Sometimes I do wish I have someone to lean on but a part of me still hate the idea of needing someone to feel and do better. So it's very tormenting this time. Maybe I'm not built for love. Even when I feel like I wanted to, I have no one and definitely don't know what else I can and should do to face this, accepting myself and get back up again. Tired of this loop. 

Compared to before, I always have something I planned for thus I keep on fighting to make it work. But now there's really nothing to fight for. I guess not telling anyone and keep on bottling everything inside wears me out and it shows now, proving that I no longer can withstand this alone. Everything works for the better now. I have job again, my team is good, manager is good, plus I just started working again for nearly 2 months and its totally normal to adapt within 3 months. I even already have an oversea trip planned for next month. So why? Why do I still feel this way? Even knowing that I have good people around me, why do I still always feel sad?? Hate that if this is due to not having someone by my side. That is not the only purpose of living!! There are more people who have tougher life and serious problems. Like Palestinians......I feel ashamed of feelings this way when I thought of them.

I guess what that friend told me is right. I unconsciously beating myself and not forgiving enough to myself. When I remembered or thought of that few seconds (or so I thought/remmeber as) hallucination, I really pity myself.... 나 진짜 불쌍해......어떻게...... 

Today's posting may be all over the place. The storyline, grammar, etc. That's how my mind right now. I do feel a bit better and calmer after telling them. Hopefully I do able to get better from now on. I diligently take my meds everyday now since the last visit. 

God knows how desperately I want to truly living this life and be happy.

날 사랑해 
난 아직도 사랑받을 만해

Saudade

 Now I understand what this feelings actually is.

My sadness when I thought of him is not because that I will never be with him but its actually the thoughts and feelings that I will never have someone like him. With all the traits and personalities that I always thought can never have in a person; the very traits and personalities that I love / want / attracted to. Hence explain why I have or really want to come peace with not having my someone, my own person in this world. But there are times when this heart proves that I am also merely a human. Someone with emotions and feelings.

I am actually glad that this time, it's not intense as before and I believe it's also because of that I can finally fully understand this feelings. Previously, I thought that it's the overflowing feelings that made my heart ache at every thought of this; on top of everything.

But seriously tho. Sighh can't deny that I AM jealous whenever I'm thinking of that someone else will end up with him. Such a fine, soft spoken, gentle, understanding, and attentive man. Sighh. Plus that he's damn handsome for sure. A face that you can never get tired looking at!! hahhhh

May Allah ease it for me. May this heart will be at peace even seeing someone who is everything that I want yet could not have exists.

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You are recovering, and that is good enough. Let's move forward slowly, yet surely. 

Two Different Worlds

I definitely simply recovering, not recovered. Earlier today, I experienced the uncontrollable anger once again and it always stem from the same reason or rather, person. There's something unsolved between me and umi. Therer's just some feelings that weren't resolved and trust me when I said that I tried. I've tried looking for the answers; what could possibly that I still have not let go. But I couldn't find it. 

So once it started, it will swirls to everything else. My other thoughts and feelings. This year once again, the man in my heart is the very person that beyond my reach. We lives in two different worlds; that could never collide no matter how much effort one put in. Not to say that I did not believe in Allah's power, NO. But one should know the limit. What not meant to be, will never be. As this thought and feelings reeled in, it bring about to the thought that I may not have someone in this world for me. Not in this life. I have long make peace with this but why sometimes it still hurt? My heart still ache at the thought of we are not meant for each other and while I wish well for him; to have his own little family but I'll always be there, my feelings are still the same. Thus I don't see myself to be with someone. My someone. 

I do not wish to be sad by this anymore. May I get better, til the day that my heart no longer ache even with the news of him found his person. May I also be happy, even by being alone. As I always do. As I used to be. However the thing is, I don't 100% think that I have feelings for him per se. Because compared to before, the feelings are not always there. So maybe I love the idea of him? Or maybe yes, I have feelings for him but rather than love, perhaps it's an interest. So I believe the base of this sad feelings are actually the thought that I can never get a man like him. Gentle, calm, handsome, attentive, soft spoken and every other traits that I love when I looked at him, watching him. It's too good to be true for me to be with someone like him and especially the man himself. When I start to feel that a situation or something is too good to be true for me, it means it will never happened. Not for me. Just when I thought I have hold on to it, it can still slip through my fingers.

Thus with that thought, it only makes sense to not see myself having my own magical wedding moments. I think I will never get to experience the giddiness before a wedding or the excitement of planning one. I'm sorry my family, but the wedding that all of you are secretly eager to witness may not happening. I have only fall in love once and after around 4 years, my feelings gone and now he already married (not that I wanted to marry him cause we are not suitable for each other anyway. Personality wise so thank god). Then the second man that I....have feelings for (not sure if I can call it as love or an illness haha) is someone that I can never have. Just as the current one, he also lives in different worlds and beyond my reach. The closest I can be with him is few miles away with thousands in between. hence since I have experienced this before, I definitely know my current feelings and affection better. 

Maybe Allah let me fall for these 'only able to looked at' men is to protect me, you know? Because of the length that I would go to when my feelings are firm, it's better if the man in question is beyond reach. I would have definitely utterly devastated if I ever be in realtionship and get brokenhearted. I may never heal from it so maybe, just maybe that could be the reason of me never able to be in relationship with the men I fall for or interested in.

Ya Allah, please make my heart content and happy with people around me, with my current life.

P/S: I have not experienced the uncontrollable anger for almost a year now. And recently, I do feel like I'm being patience and calm for too long. Lol. I'm not wishing for a relapse or anything. God, no. I love being calm. Especially now that I had a taste of it. I love seeing myself like that and be like that. O Allah, please help me in my healing journey. Living is hard, evenmore in this world where people never make it easy.

(Just now, I changed my blogspot url to serin7 from faa7. Never wish to someone able to find me here; although I have make it private-only visible/accessible to author-me)

"We are always trying with all our might but the weight of the world cannot always be upon our shoulders."

An Update

 I have forgotten about the existence of this blog. The thought came about since Abe mentioned in family whatsapp group regarding his entries on Haziq and Nawfal. Then I just remembered about my own blog.

Weird how I usually write and express myself in Bahasa Melayu. Nothing wrong tho. Only that now as I grow older, I express myself and my feelings better in English. And reading all my past entries; which are all during my high school years....I seem so positive. Heh. Not knowing what life has in store for me, not knowing how tough and heart crushing life can be. 

So intead of deleting this blog, I decided to make it private, for my own reading. To serve as a therapy or simply as a place for my rantings and to vent my emotions. There are times where I just can't tell anyone regarding my thought and feelings because being an adult, I understand that not everyone have the means and time for you at that very particular moment when you needed someone. So I hope this blog can be the replacement for that. In times where I really have no one but myself. Not because people around me doesn't care about me, no. They do and I know that. It's just as I said earlier, in certain times, you only have yourself to go through things and to take a step forward. 

To start, I have been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder in November 2022. I went to HUKM after I asked for a referral letter from IIUM Clinic ( if I remember it correctly). 

My condition worsen during my master years; to my surprise. I thought that once I had quit from working at that hella of a company, my mental burden can be slowly lifted up but that's not what happened. I began to hardly able to control my own emotions. There are (most) times when even the smallest things upset me or made me boil and it always end up with the feeling of a failure. How I am such a failure in life. I failed to have what I planned for even I worked really hard for it. I failed to have what I want, even when I have been such a good person and a good Muslim but things just never go my way even I have done everything that I could, at my fullest best. And all these feelings start spiraling eversince I graduated my degree.

So for those 3 years of working, I really am battling with myself everyday. The initial plan is to further master overseas after degree but that didn't work out. So I feel like I'm stuck at where I was at that time which were places of work that I never thought of doing and having. This goes on year after year until I finally decided to take a treatment because I am tired of living like that.

I am tired of feeling so sad everyday; for most of the time that even after having fun with my friends the whole day, I would cry myself to sleep at night. It not only happened when I was alone. Often times, I can be with a room full of people sleeping together yet I would still cry. My heart quenched at the thought of something that I love can never be mine, no matter how hard I put my effort into it.

But alhamdulillah, after more than a year of treatment (medicines - although these recent 6 months I've been skipping the meds most of the time), I am better. I am recovering and that is more than enough. I don't simply cry suddenly no matter where I am anymore, and I definitely don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Alhamdulillah. Healing is a long process thus may Allah make it ease for me.

Now, trying to get myself on track with the meds again. Doctor told me to at least take every 2 days since it's really hard for me to stand with the side effect, which is nausea urghh. It's different kind of nausea and I really REALLY am struggling with it. But for a better self and a better future, I need to fight this.

" 지금부터 fight for my life

  나를 위해 fight for my life "

P/S: I have changed the layout and design of the blog.

An appointment

Assalamualaikum..

setelah pemeriksaan dan segala hal yang berkaitan diselesaikan, saya terus bergerak balik rumah. dengan harapan, esoknya dapat operate gigi terus. terasa penat untuk tahan sakit ketika makan.

esoknya, saya dan umi ke hospital [lebih kepada klinik sebenarnya. cawangan dental mungkin?]
seriously cuak masa tunggu giliran. x suka nak kena rasa lagi sekali injection kat lelangit. jarum dia besar oke! ouch!
dan operation?! god...

setelah tiba giliran, dengan berdebar + cuaknya saya masuk ke bilik dentist. periksa sini dan situ, doktor suruh saya tunggu kat luar dulu.

kat tepi bilik, umi sedang menunggu. waktu tu saya serious takut sebab dari cara doktor tadi..
"nanti saya tengok boleh ke tak awak buat kat sini atau kena jumpa pakar."
#gulp

maka denga malunya terpaksalah saya mengaku yang saya nangis waktu uh. tapi taklah sampai berjela... cuma mengalir sekali dua.

"umi, kaksu takutlahh..."
"lahh..macam adik ni takut. macam mana nak bersalin nanti?"
#gulp "bersalin tu lama lagi..."
"haha. yelahh.. tapi nak cakapnya, hidup kita ni memang akan berdepan dengan kesakitan. sakit bersalin,sakit gigi,sakit kepala.. cuba matang sikit tahan sakit tu..etc,etc.."

maka sungguhlah saya belum matang =_='

walaupun saya lebih takut untuk operate dan bukannya sakit selepas itu, tapi kata2 umi memang tepat. zaapp!!

that makes me wonder, there are MORE people who are facing  seriously painful injury or things or whatever than me. and me? it's just a tooth! although it is two.

so from that moment on, i determined. this is the thing that i have to face. it is panful, but it will get better than before, aint?

ulang alik hospital dan kli nik, jumpa doktor, x-ray, segala bagai uhh...
x dapat buat operation lagi. sehari 1/2 orang je yang akan operate. maka buat appointment je dulu, bulan 1 masa cuti tu nanti baru operate.

hmm.. jujur kecewa sesangat sebenarnya. tapi saya pasti, ini yang terbaik.

last :'(

Assalamualaikum..

mengapa kita ditemukan
pada akhirnya kita dipisahkan

hmm. lumrah setiap pertemuan ada perpisahan.
that is life.

serious sedih daurah LKD dah takde lepas ni. bila lagi nak jumpa sahabat2 ni? ramai yang akan fly overseas. dalam masa terdekat ni pun ramai. sedih teramat!

honestly,
mula2 dapat tahu kena gi LKD hati memang rebel dahsyat punya.

1st meet up; mukhayyam.
memang rasa tak suka. jujur ni. tak tahu kenapa.

daurah 1st, hati dah lembut sikit. tapi sikit yang teramat sangat.

daurah 2nd + kembara dakwah.
can't deny. in love with it. n rasa sedih bila route balik dari sabah tak sama dengan orang lain!

daurah 3- last.
excited setiap kali nak kena gi LKD. undescribable.

sungguh sayang semua sahabat LKD ni!
rasa macam kalau boleh,nak satu U dengan derang,sekelas,sebilik. tapi mustahil!
that is life.

friends may come and go but they remains in your heart.

so,kena redha.
kalau bukan sahabat2 ni yang bertebaran untuk menyeru,siapa lagi?
jadi, diri ini pun kena bergerak seiring dengan yang lain.

that is soo life!